‘Black Swan’, my dark rock album, was really born at some point during 2007.

Gritty, raw, and deeply personal, this album took nearly two decades to make and finally found its wings in during the pandemic. Dark, but fitting. Marking my second-ever album as a solo artist, this labour of love was born out of from a series of signs and ‘download moments’ from the universe – more on that later!

In contrast to my debut album ‘Paranoid Rage’, ‘Black Swan’ steps up in melody and is less reactive, more reflective. It’s truly from the heart. I wrote these songs during a time when I was broke, in debt, heartbroken, alone, overweight and depressed. I’d been through turmoil with different rock bands and my mental health was in pieces. I’d hit rock bottom. But… with the breakdown came a breakthrough. I knew I had to create a new life for myself, believe in myself again. The mantra I’d repeat was: “When in hell, keep going!”

In 2007, I was a typical broke musician/song writer that had been focusing on writing songs, bands and gigging, just trying to figure out how to get my music out there. I had already written my ‘Paranoid Rage’ album (which wasn’t recorded until 2008). I’d never been really sure my music was any good, but it always went down well at gigs, so it felt like the most natural thing in the world to pursue. Music made me happy.

(Well, music sort of made me happy. It has always been a love-hate relationship, or possibly more like a mental health relationship. I’ve never thought about much else since about age 13 -I wouldn’t be able to get away from doing music if I tried!)

Signs from the Universe

So, back to 2007: I was standing in my then-boyfriend’s flat when I could see, hear and feel a vision; something I now call a ‘download moment’. The vision came from the ether. It picked me and I simply had to accept the challenge. The vision was part of me, and I knew whatever it was would be an important music project in my life. These ‘download moments’ I get are usually songs, but this time around, it was a whole concept, for a second album, that I knew I had to start to put together.

This initial vision for what later became ‘Black Swan’ came with some instructions:

1. It had to be more melodic than my first album, ‘Paranoid Rage’
2. It had to be a contrast to ‘Paranoid Rage’ (that album was full of anger and reaction – this had to be more honest, reflective and from the heart.)

At the time I was a struggling artist out of work, money, and favours. I had no idea how to record my first album, let alone start a second album – however I knew it was a path I had to start. There’s also a saying in music: ‘it takes forever to write your first album and a year to write your second’. What this means to me is that the artist struggles to get out there with their first album, and then, when they’ve made the big time, they are under pressure to write a second album, which is normally a terrible follow up album, as they have no struggles to write about. So bearing that in mind, I thought it would be better to write this album whilst I was still a struggling artist, so it wouldn’t be my crap follow-up album after I had made it!

By August 2008 I had recorded my debut album at Play Recording Studios in Berwick Street, London, and I’d put a band together to promote it. As per usual, I found some really good musicians, however, they were more interested in the lifestyle of ‘drinking’ than the artistic hustle side of making music and gigging. This was such a disappointment as they all showed huge potential, but didn’t want to act on it. In 2009 I had even made contact with an A&R scout who wanted to take our band to meet Iron Maiden’s manager. This was a really exciting moment, there was even talk about gigging in Japan and festivals across Europe. The other members weren’t interested and the band screeched to a halt. I was devastated.

No band, no money, no life. The dream – my dream – had died, again.
After one final attempt with a band back in 2010-2012, I now really had run out of time, money, credit cards, work; I’d split up with my boyfriend, been sacked from a job, and I was back to nothing. On top of having nothing, I fell into severe depression: I owed £30,000 for recording and gigging, went from super slim to massively overweight, and I hit possibly the lowest I had ever been in my life. The dark night had finally arrived. And all for my love of music. Why did I follow this path?

When the Student became the Teacher

I spent several years being hugely lost. But I soon realised that if you can’t be you, what’s the point in being someone else? So I started thinking about my own talents and how they could help serve other people. By 2013, I was focused on building a guitar teaching business called ‘Fretboard Warriors’.

I didn’t need much to live on, I didn’t want a house or a car or lots of clothes. All I wanted was to be able to pay for recordings, so I could finally complete the mission that had started back in 2007. So, pouring my efforts into ‘Fretboard Warriors’, I sent a message out into the universe: ‘If I help enough people learn to play the guitar, to serve them through music, could I please have just enough money to afford recordings, so I can finish my mission?”

In 2017, the universe started to answer my call. Fate put me in the right place at the right time. If I hadn’t dropped out of band life and listened to the call of my own intuition, I’d never have started teaching at an Arts Centre, where fate was waiting to smile upon me.

A Stroke of Fate

Fate helped me bring the album to life by reuniting me with an old friend, producer and musician Misha Nikolic (Martin Turner Ex-Wishbone Ash), who taught me at college back in 1999. Although I felt like a grungy, struggling songwriter whose turbulent creative career would put him off, Misha reached out and offered to produce the album.

Recording took place at Monster Trax Studios in Newark, and it was full of rockstars. The great musicians that took my work seriously and featured on ‘Black Swan’ were the other members of Martin Turner Ex-Wishbone Ash: Misha Nikolic on bass and guitar solos, Tim Brown on drums, and Danny Willson on harmonies. Amazing stuff.

Courage, Power and Rebellion

‘Black Swan theory’ refers to unpredictable, rare, extreme events that have potentially catastrophic circumstances. It feels ironic and fateful that this album – originally named ‘SWANS’ when I began writing in 2007 – took shape during a global pandemic.

You probably won’t believe me, but in 2019, the new title ‘Black Swan’ came to me out of nowhere, as though someone was whispering it to me. That same winter, I went to visit a studio for rent in the countryside, and staring at me from a pond just outside was a pair of real life black swans. True synchronicity from the universe. How wild is that?

Black swans are symbolic of a high level of personal power, of having courage and determination to overcome hard times. Metaphorically, the black swan is not afraid to go against the flow on its own non-conformist path – just like me.

I want to inspire others to do what’s in their hearts regardless of what society thinks, to embrace their black swan side. So let’s see if my new album, this 15-year labour of love, proves the black swan theories right.

While you’re listening, fancy checking out my shop?